I am a romantic.

I hadn't realized it until very recently. I mean, sure, I liked romantic movies. And, yes, in the summer months I'm not (too) ashamed to pull out some Harlequin romances to read on a float. But when you've only paid a quarter for something you don't mind so much when you drop it in the pool. (You also don't worry too much about how the story ends.)

But this realization was something else. For all my "crazy cat lady" comments and such... deep down I've always truly believed there is someone for everyone.

It's hard to explain this belief - almost as hard as it is for me to realize I actually have such a belief. How does someone as cynical as me have such a silly, childish way of thinking? It's like I've just figured out there isn't a Santa Claus. (Sorry, kids. Should have had a spoiler warning on that, huh?)

But I think this is a dangerous way of thinking. Maybe that's why I beat myself up over relationships that don't work, loves that don't love back, and all the people who drift away. I always wonder "Was that person the one? Did I mess it up? Have I ruined something?"

I really do think this. Not just fleetingly, either. I'm not talking about a few feel-sorry-me's in the wee hours on too many umbrella drinks. Almost daily I question things as stupid as this: There was a guy years ago who I was engaged to. But I slowly realized that I couldn't stand to be in the same room with him. I even more slowly realized that was a pretty good sign that I shouldn't sign up to spend the rest of my life with him. But on a very regular basis I wonder if by ending that I ruined my one chance at happiness. Because he seems to have been the only person who ever wanted me. So that must have been my one chance, right?

So I'm going to work on my thinking in this area and try to break this silly belief. There are other ways to be happy and it's time I knew that more than just intellectually.*

*I don't mean that this also means I think happiness is dependent on being in a relationship. I'm just talking about being okay with not just never finding the "one true love" I've always believed was out there, but being okay with there not being a "one true love."