For better or worse when I have things I want to sort out in my head by typing words in a box... this is where I think to do so. I've tried finding other homes for my words but none of them have ever taken.
Things have been sliding down that nasty spiral for a while now and somehow I didn't notice. Or I pretended I didn't notice and did it well enough that I even fooled myself.
Something's up or rather down.
You see, I'd gone through that depression shit so hard when I was in my twenties that somehow I thought I'd become immune to it. I believed that was a by-product of my twenty-somethings and figured it was all behind me.
Oh but how stupid I can be.
It's been years since I felt the mud sucking me down like this. And that the feeling has returned while I am having the worst personal circumstances of my life? Well, not exactly helpful.
What I want more than anything right now is a homemade chocolate milkshake, some fresh-from-the-oven gooey brownies, and someone to curl up and watch a movie with. All of these things are out of reach in pretty much every possible way.
I know that how I'm feeling is coloring everything. I'm self aware enough to recognize every symptom and ear mark. But at the same time... just... arg!
I'm pissed off because while having stupid discussions with two friends, they happened to argue with or correct every statement I made. Knowing that I'm taking it harder than I should doesn't change the fact that I'm angry and frustrated and avoiding them now. It's an ugly spiral of nastiness because knowing it's at least as much me as it is them just makes me feel guilty for feeling how I feel but doesn't actually eliminate the feelings. So instead of being pissed I get to be angry with a thick frosting of guilt.
Now I'm anti-social and annoyed and nothing is holding my attention.
I think I'll see if I can sleep another day away.