I'd like to start by saying "Right now..." but I can't start that way because it's more than momentary.

I've begun and erased more times than I can count and am only continuing now because I don't can't care how to word it.

I feel:
Useless. Pointless. Like some huge personal destruction is just around the corner. Something beyond my control is waiting to blow up in my face and I just want it to go ahead and happen.

Unrelated:
A little over two years ago I remember missing the feeling of liking someone. It had been ages since I'd been interested in anyone and I stupidly wanted that feeling again even if it was all for naught. What a perfect phrase.

Unrelated:
I remember seven years ago thinking of some other him thinking of me and being really pleased by that. I say "pleased by that" but what I mean is "happy". I don't remember a more recent time where that was the applicable word in such an across-the-board sense. And that was based in delusion so it probably shouldn't count. Only tiny moments, since. I'm just not a happy person. There are happy-go-lucky people. What's the opposite?

People keep disappearing. Is it self-centered to think that it's something I've done or stupid to think that it might not be? It keeps happening and I'm sick of it. Now everyone is periphery. It's all just another part of the now.

How many times do I have to make the same mistake before I learn? I care about someone, pour it over them like a tidal wave. But only over the people who don't want it. People who were ready to bolt out the door long before I gave them reason. And I just keep on handing them reasons.

Real friends are few and far between and I don't know how to handle it. Not the spaces between - those are the only things I've ever mastered. I don't know how to stop holding back when I shouldn't hold back OR when to hold back when I should. To people who don't want to hear it I never shut up but with people who might I'm silent.

I feel like I'm taking advantage when someone is in the slightest bit interested. It's always so uneven and I hate always needing so much.

I don't know anyone who is single anymore and now all those couples are talking about children and I just want to cry. They're all leaving me farther and farther behind and going to the one place I've always wanted to go the most.

So I feel stupid and pointless and I want to take it all back before it's spoken.

I fall back on my usual resources and find they are no longer a comfort. Books and movies and music are echoing reality too closely. Sleep, the thing I always relied on, has been nothing but nightmares.

Something has to change. I've spent forever trying to figure out what. {Or at least every moment I wasn't clutching at distractions.} Every choice seems wrong. Every idea seems likely to only make things worse.

I've felt this way before but only in lightning flashes. The same but different. That was outside coming in and this is inside coming out, pouring out like blood and I can't seem to make myself do anything but pick at scars.

I'm scared. Of what, I don't know. Everything. Nothing. Of change. Of things staying the same. Of never speaking to you again. Of having to talk to you. Of feeling. Of numbness. Of lack of control. Of control. Of out-of-control. Of silence. Of actually saying something. Of having to explain this. Of still not being able to.