I drove home in silence last night - roughly three hours of it - after hearing The Hidden Cameras' "I Believe in the Good of Life" and making an unsuccessful phone call. Not that there was any hope for success.

All weekend I flipped back and forth between a manic cheerfulness and a brand of unhappiness so strong it made me physically ill. You can laugh at yourself for crying even while you do it. I never knew how easily you could be two things at once.

I know I have to change my life. I just hope the rest of it goes better than this.

"Look straight at the coming disaster
Realize what you've lost
You keep handing out horseshoes
Horseshoes have got to be tossed"