I know, I know... I keep changing my mind. But I've got my reasons, I swear. But for the moment I think that: 1.) This will remain unlocked. 2.) I will keep writing here rather than on the domain, with the possibility of {once technical difficulties pass} using the fancy-schmancy web doman dland hosting thing-a-ma-bob to in essence use both. Of course, that could all change and change quickly. Again, though, I really do have my reasons.

So.

My goal this month, this year, this new phase of my life, is to get my life under control. That means doing some things I've been too scared to do {checkmark} and doing some things I've been putting off {in the process of} and just generally doing instead of waiting. Pro-active, positive.. all good things.

And the odd thing is that after all this time avoiding certain things, I feel SO much better now having done them. I can't explain how surprising this is without explaining what the things are and the things are part of my mysterious "reasons" so they shall remain "mysterious". The moral is that I'm in a good mood and I intend to stay that way no matter how things and people and situations let me {and my imagination} down. I'm tired of letting my happiness hinge on other people's opinions of me. This sounds pretentious but it really isn't. Ah, how can I ever explain without specifics?

And today what I was thinking of while driving to work was how when you say things "in so many words" it takes far less words than when you say things "not in so many words". Because when you say things "not in so many words" you have to add all those qualifiers that dilute the meaning and weaken the power of what you are really saying. I suppose it only makes perfect sense from the inside.

But what I'm really trying to say is: I'm turning 30 and at long last I'm shaking things up. I'm going to be the person I always meant to turn into. I'm going to stop holding things back with people, stop turning little things into big things, stop hurting myself by being afraid of hurting others. There IS a middle ground. I'm important too, dammit, and I'm worth more than I've been figuring.

To be fair, part of this new found resolve might be the pills I've started back on. Not happy pills or SRIs or what-have-you - just diet pills. I never mentioned them when I took them before because I didn't want lectures. Now I don't care because even if I don't lose any weight I've already got more energy. I'm done sleeping to escape.

I've filled every waking moment with books and books and books. I've read more books in the last month than I had last year. Good ones and bad ones and indifferent ones. There is a stack of books waiting by my bed and instead of feeling imposing they feel reassuring. 2005 won't be the best year by a long shot, I'm not hoping for any such thing. But this WILL be the year of change, the year that makes it possible for the next one to have a shot at greatness.