I've done a lot of stupid things in my life. Not fun-stupid... just stupid. The kind of things that make you look back and cringe that you were that person.

This is another one.

The problem with these stupid things is that it's hard to judge the stupidity while you're in it. But this one is such a shining example that even caught in it as I am I can tell you it's probably the best one yet.

I fell in love with my best friend.

Stop. Stop right now. You're saying "that isn't stupid" aren't you? It is stupid when you knew better from the beginning. From before the beginning. From T minus two months at least.

And when it just gets worse instead of better? When you reach the point where you start finally admitting that you can't even be friends anymore? And when you finally start the business of trying to dismantle the friendship as best you can? And when you realize that you don't even know where to start because at least ten times a day you think of things you want to tell him or something he'd like or... whatever?

When that is a good way to describe 90% of your day and talking to him makes you feel broken and not talking to him makes you feel broken and you don't know what the hell to do because no option seems right? When that happens? Then you can tell me it isn't stupid.

PS. This was the worst Christmas ever. Excuse me, I mean The. Worst. Christmas. Ever. In a hundred different ways for a hundred different reasons I'm glad to see the tail end of 2004 be gone. Of course, 2005 isn't anything special either. Also, I'm writing this here because since my computer died I don't have a way to write on my domain so this is the best I can do at the moment. I'm taking this as a sign. A big fucking sign.