Strange circles lately, weird conversations, everything shifted into that dimension where it's all familiar but alien. So many walls crumbling in my brain, so many gulfs not yet patched over but their depths beginning to be mapped.

And I can't relate any of it to anyone because the method is so far beyond explanation. I wish I could relax enough to share. Wish I could share enough to relax.

Echoes tumbling in from the past, sometimes hitting me softly, sometimes knocking me down. My heart is closed, my guard is up, my defenses fenced, dogs patrolling the perimeter. No one will sneak through again.

But then... I start engraving a single invitation, a long distance telegram giving permissions I wasn't sure were mine to give anymore. But. But. But. I can't hand it over. A few days, a week, I let a guest inside without his knowledge. Testing the waters. But I can't be the one to fall first. Not again. Not ever again. And no one is falling for me. Not that I can tell.

So I'm cautious, careful, and quiet, heart buried in the snow and ice to keep it numb and unaware. Finger over lips, tip toeing past to let it sleep. When it wakes up it takes over. Mustn't make noise and catch its attention.

A - You want something I can't give anymore. You know this. I know this. Who is fooling who anymore? I will always care but as you say: the past is the past.

B - My strange teacher. You snuck past defenses I didn't know I needed to build. But you are careful. "Ssshhh" you say, and something nameless is soothed. Truths and possible truths I never even awknowledged to myself have found themselves given words and given to you. Fascinating as I keep saying. Simply fascinating.

C - So far away. Smart, funny, excellent taste in music. I can see how perilously close to the border this all is. Right now I'm holding it out, keeping it at bay. What is this thing? You will have to name it first, I can't anymore.

I like my life. I like my friends and my music and the shape of my days. In some ways I'm closed, yes, but in other ways I'm so much more open.

I am quiet and smiling and wondering and thinking and laughing and singing and trying to sleep.

I will hold out my hands.