attempting to negatively impact my tendency for circumlocution
12:11 pm, Wednesday, Apr. 01, 2009

Even now I keep thinking that somehow it will all work out. His little note, a tiny fishing expedition just public enough to make me feel he missed not me specifically but perhaps people in general... I can't respond. The last time I did - feeling hopeful and fatalistic at the same time - blew up in my face. There's more than one reason mine field specialists only fail once. Even if you survive the explosion and fire, you never get all the smoke out of your eyes. The flash dims everything including your optimism.

He knew, more than most, how wounded I am every time I'm left behind. Lives drift apart and each set of hands letting go breaks another something inside of me. And his hands, not just letting go but pushing away... Even now, nearly a year later...

I'm not in the holding pattern it seems, though. I had an involvement no one (including myself) would have suspected I could be capable of. For weeks I've considered discussing it here but continued to hold my silence.

Now, the most I can say is: After years of experiencing nothing but solo emotion, it was good to find out I was capable of leaving emotion out of it. And to not be quite so solo for a few brief moments.

Years ago, this summed it all up for me:

Love in the romantic sense has mostly skipped past me. I have no children, no witness who's been with me the whole way.

That's it, isn't it? Is it only me who wants some witness? A partner on the journey? Someone to turn to when things happen, someone who will look back on it all with you, someone who by virtue of being there makes experience real?