just over two months since i've been here.

how can so much change yet remain exactly the same?

he doesn't talk to me. he sent one message and i stupidly thought it was a return to something like what we'd had. but it wasn't. i was a book in the waiting room, that was all. put down again as soon as his name was called. one letter. no response. i thought i had been growing and changing and getting on. i was wrong.

another stutter step of time moving forward and yet still i get so emotional about it i choke and my eyes suddenly fill. i resent being so quickly moved away from. again. i resent it and for a little while i could take a vacation in my anger. it was a distraction from feeling horrible, that anger. it was an unpleasantness all of its own of course, but it was at least a different kind of self-hating horrible. pitseleh on repeat. "i don't think it will ever pass"

then it did.

and what was left was the same thing as before: a sickening hope i wish i could cut out. a loss that feels like someone did cut something out. (i suppose someone did, eh?) a misery that can't be explained. can't be understood. what did i do so horrible to deserve this? so below his consideration as to not even warrant a response? surely i should be jailed for whatever crime requires such treatment.

oh, yes, i remember what it was i did. i loved him. truly i am awful.

and still. still i care. still i miss. still i ache. picked up for a moment and put right back down, further down than before.

i'm tired of being the back up plan. the distraction. never the cause. never the actual plan.

you know i deserved better than how you treated me.

didn't i?