over and out
8:29 am, Sunday, Aug. 10, 2008

So it finally happened.

All this time the thing I was scared would happen but never really believed could... has.

You say pause, I don't buy it. What's gonna change? If you are married, then will it be safe? If I was married, then would it be safe? If you are alone then will it be safe?

It's never gonna be safe enough for you, I don't think. Which is funny, because that's exactly what it is now. Nothing could have cleared you out of my heart like the way you lied to me, the way you made me feel, then finding out the truth. I already knew you were never going to love me. I was already falling out of love with you, dismantling the feelings I'd been building for so many years.

You tell me I was the one who added love and essentially broke the friendship. The one thing you couldn't take. And you say it like you resent me for it, like I had a choice. Do you think I would have chosen this? Do you really think I ever had a decision about it? Sadly, I think you do.

So, you still put it all on me. And that's fine. It doesn't matter to me where the blame is laid. I know I never did anything to you with the intent to cause pain or difficulty or be anything other than a positive in your life. Maybe that's what hurts most: the one thing I tried so hard to be is the thing I failed so miserably at.

It's a relief now, though. It's a relief to not be waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's a relief to not be constantly fighting or worse, constantly trying desperately to not fight.

I'll always wonder if you miss me, but I think if you could do this the answer must be no.

Despite it all, I wish you happiness. You were a huge part of my life for a long time and even though I know it was me building you up to that and not a role you ever wanted... I can't discount it.