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5:08 pm, Tuesday, Jun. 24, 2008

Well, first off, it has been coming for a while.

I love(d) my job/company/our product ... but this isn't the economy/time to be in print media/building industry related occupations. {Sorry for all the slashes there.}

I have spent the last few months trying to get myself as prepared as possible for this. I'm not nearly as prepared as I'd like, of course. My savings just took a hit last week for unexpected car expenses. {Parts shouldn't have to be replaced before they go bad. Especially expense parts that are difficult to get to.} I've not spent a single unnecessary penny in the last four months. {Okay, I still have my World of Warcraft subscription and internet, but a girl's gotta have something, okay?} I've been diligently paying down my credit card debt from my "oh, it's just money" phase in my 20's. And I've been putting money in savings for a safety net. In other words, I've been doing everything right and this was expected.

But I'm still heart broken and on constant verge of panic. There have been a lot of other issues in the last few weeks which I can't really go into right now beyond saying that the wind had been knocked out of my sails already and to continue the nautical metaphor, now I feel unmoored and anchorless. And in my worst moments, under siege from all fronts.

I'm scared. I haven't had to look for a job in more than a decade. Every opportunity since then has fallen into my lap. And I'm scared because I've spent the last two years becoming {at last!} a not-constantly-depressed person! And that feels threatened. That could be a whole entry in itself so I'll leave it at that.

It's so upsetting to me to work at a company that is putting out a product {a coffee-table quality home-focused magazine} that people love and constantly hearing terrific feedback on... and have it come to this.

I'm sorry. This isn't the most cohesive thing ever. I tried to write for two days and only came up with that last entry, if that explains this. I'm certainly not alone in the unemployment boat at the moment.

The thing that makes it all more difficult is that there aren't many opportunities in my "field" in this area and thinking about relocating is terrifying me.

For all the positive work I've done on myself, one thing I've not managed to change is how scared I am of change. Everyone is to some degree, but this is on the cusp of debilitating. That panic at all the things to handle stays right below the surface. Random thoughts let it bubble up and break through. Thinking about making a resume, trying to factor gas costs into my absolute minimum financial requirements, picturing my debt spreadsheet that I've been chipping away at so well turning back into a rising number... all those tiny flashes of thoughts make me wide eyed and unable to breathe.

Couple that with the other things going on - the things that already had me on the verge of tears constantly and scared and sad and trying to invent a future that wasn't the one I'd stupidly been hoping for... and I feel like there are huge storms of panic and fear and sadness and hurt and all these negative things spinning like hurricanes just under my skin.

Sorry, again, it's all spinning in my head and I can't seem to get it straight enough to think about much less to write about.

It will be okay.

It will be okay.

It will be okay.

Hopefully.