"let herself belong"
6:37 pm, Thursday, Dec. 28, 2006

There is a tiny little light that goes on in my head when it is time to write again. Generally, that means there is something to be worked through.

It's always a case of happenstance giving me the right trigger to pull. The barrel is clogged until then and words build up behind it waiting for the shot.

The light has been on for a while but time and again what might have been the trigger just shoots blanks.

Today, during that random click-browse-click of links and sites on the interweb, I found the right one. {P., it was something you wrote years ago that I have on my favorites list.}

I just clicked because I couldn't remember what was "fantastical" so it was time for a refresher. I didn't doubt my past opinion, just wanted verification of the source. {And, A., girl, that word is borrowed from you, of course.}

But the words of that epiphany aren't as numbered as I might have thought. Most of them I already wrote, as it turns out. 50,000 of them or so.

Because she is me to a much larger extent than I ever realized, much less intended. It's silly that I never realized that. Or never owned up to it, I suppose.

Maybe that's why there was never really an ending.


Yes, I believe that the characters you write are some version of yourself. But I honestly never identified with her. {Of course, in light of the now, it seems obvious just based on little circumstantial things. But you have to remember that was more than a year before, actually. So, really, it's nothing more than coincidence.}