I'm trying to force my mind to think about page layouts and how to save a few dollars for a company that _______* but what is really happening is that I am considering very seriously leaving everything at least for a little while. Getting in a car with a camera and a pen and finding a few hotel rooms in a few tiny little southern towns to keep me for a few days and let me think about everything and nothing.

I'm feeling tremendously guilty for not being the artistic person I still try to call myself and every day that slides past without any artistic expression beyond the music I listen to seems like the kind of thing that you spend your whole death regretting. But then I try to make a few moments to change that and the guilt about all the things I'm not doing then becomes so overwhelming that all I do is push it all away and sleep.

Dear, sweet, beautiful Sleep. If you left me now I don't know what I'd do.

So many things have got to change but instead, the changes that have begun to avalanche are all the changes I don't want. The things that should change remain still and silent. I'd rip them apart now while the fact of them is making me so heartsore that I could finally manage the effort that will be required, but I'm afraid I'll be buried if I try to change them now.

Ah, Vaugeness. I know thee well.

This is all so poorly put but there's no time to fix it. I really should be doing other things.

{*to be discussed at some distant, future date. possibly.}