an open letter to anyone who cares
10:51 am, Monday, Jan. 31, 2005

i've been on the edge of this thing for so long that i've learned to disregard it. it's been like standing next to the grand canyon for years - after a while even such a big hole falls from your awareness while you focus on the things that change.

and the nice thing about being in love is that you have someone you think about more than yourself. but when it only goes one way... you're just digging a deeper grand canyon.

so i've gone around as one of the walking wounded pretending that everything was fine, pretending the canyon was getting smaller even while I kept digging. secretly i kept hoping someone would notice, kept hoping someone would say "you are a terrible actor" and take my shovel away, maybe even help me fill some of it back in. and every time someone didn't say anything, didn't notice... well, i'd dig a little deeper. i'd be more angry, more sad, and more isolated, even though i knew i was doing it to myself.

then i finally did something about it. i took action. it was hard. and it seemed like it hurt other people {though in a small way} and it wasn't like it felt any better on my end. so i stopped. of course. which only made it worse. of course. so instead of filling in with earth and planting trees and building up a foundation, i realize i've just let in the ocean and now i'm trying to stay afloat in all this muddy, rushing water.

i'm sorry. my extended metaphors suck. the bottom line is that i need so badly right now {as always} and i've neven been able to ask. i tried to fix things and only made them worse. something has got to change for the better and i don't know how to start. there is so much more that i've left unsaid {as always} and none of it really matters outside my own head. Also, beyond all this mental "digging a canyon" crap, there are technical difficulties that persist {and mean i have to write here again} and other fun things cropping up {like a pulled muscle in my back that makes sitting miserable and laying down agony} that are the cherry on top of a shit-sundae. you'll understand if i continue to hate 2005.

This is how I tell you: I don't.
This is how I get over you: I don't.
This is how I sleep: I don't.
This is how I win your love: I don't.
This is how I look forward to the future: I don't.
This is how I know it's going to be all right: I don't.